Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
