the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
