You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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