there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
