quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
