he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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