You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
