i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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