why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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