My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
