Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
