and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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