We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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