the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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