I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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