Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
