Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
