My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
