All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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