I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
