i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
