You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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