It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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