hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You made out with two different species that night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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