if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
