I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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