You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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