Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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