i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
