Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
