I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
