My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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