$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
