she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
