Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize