I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
