Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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