I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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