I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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