And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
