She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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