I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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