I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
