and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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