In the future we'll all be gay
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
