i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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