My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
