please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize