I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
