you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
