Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
