She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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