I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
