in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
