Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
