Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
