I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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