my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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