If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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