I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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