just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize