Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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