Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
